Ciara Gets Boo’d At Givenchy

January 28, 2010 § Leave a comment

This piece originally aired on the Yale Daily News Scene Blog.

Paris Fashion Week is here! My BFF John Galliano over at Christian Dior made an equestrian inspired collection that bored Suzy Menkes to death. Proving that couture is no joke, Chanel showed a jacket made of 13,000 satin flowers that took 1,300 hours to make. Fabulous! What on earth would life be like without couture?

But leave it to a diva to mess it all up. R&B “singer” Ciara arrived 40-minutes late to the Givenchy runway presentation. The audience was so peeved they “boo’d” the skank. I mean – hi – they held the show until she arrived. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you say. Fashion’s all about making a fabulous, dramatic entrance. Truth! But when you’re the muse of the house – as in, when you basically created the collection, it is not cute to show up that late!

When Ciara finally brought herself to go to the show, she wore a look straight from the catwalk – look 21, in its entirety. Now, before I say anything else about it, I just want to preface: I love Givenchy. But this look is a hot mess. I mean piping hot. What’s going on with those lightning bolts? Couture can be ugly, if it’s fabulous. And this look totally missed the mark.

Maybe that’s why Ciara came late. She couldn’t bear to be seen in such fugly. Cute shoes, though.

Trollop, I Will Snatch That Weave Right Off Yo’ Head!!!

November 23, 2009 § 2 Comments

The winner of Miss Gay Brazil had her weave SNATCHED RIGHT OFF HER HEAD on national television! Do not mess with a jealous/angry queen!!!

Ladies and drag queens, this is the # 1 reason  you make sure your weave is on TIGHT! Take a cue from Beyonce The Weaveanator – her tracks are always on LOCKDOWN!

Watch Out ! Facebook Will Get Your Health Benefits Snatched

November 23, 2009 § Leave a comment

Oops! A Canadian woman suffering from major depression just lost her health benefits because she was seen partying at Chippendales on Facebook.  When the insurance company saw the pics, they up and stopped paying. No warning. So when our depressed hero called the insurance peeps, they were all, “Bitch, we know you can work. Yo’ ass ain’t sad, don’t even front.”

Why can’t people learn to make their profiles private!? Sheesh! I started teaching my first class at Yale this year to undergraduates, and the first thing I did was make my shit invisible. Not that I, like, regularly post incriminating pics from strip clubs to my Facebook or anything. But Suzy Q don’t need to know what I’m doing and who I’m doing it with. Once I skipped class to go to the Zero + Maria Cornejo show during New York Fashion Week. Told the prof I was in the hospital or something. Meanwhile at the show, I took tons of photos with my iPhone but realized it would not be the smartest idea to post them!

Facebook is such a tricky thing, because it’s both a networking tool (I got my first freelance writing gig through Facebook) and a space of self-fashioning and self-creation. Sometimes I flirt with making my profile totally unsearchable, but then I’m like, well what if somebody wants to reach me!??!

LIMITED PROFILE, FOLKS!!!!! DON’T LET A DRUNK PHOTO GET U FIRED!!!

Ugh Oh, Massive Coke Bust in Williamsburg

November 21, 2009 § Leave a comment

On Thursday the PoPo’s busted a major Brooklyn drug ring ass open. Narcotics investigators unearthed 15 kilos of cocaine and more than $800,000 in cash at a Billyburg apartment on North 7th Street between Berry and Wythe. Hey, that’s, like, my neighborhood! Who knew I lived so close to the largest coke warehouse in New York City.

Turns out the culprits were olden hipsters: Ronald Lugo, 44, Christina Ladeveze, 48, and Johanny Olmedo, 51. What will the younger hipsters do for their coke now?!?!?!???!?!

What I want to know is, how in the hell do you keep 15-damn kilos of cocaine in your apartment ????? Dumb dumb dumb. At least rent a room at Manhattan Storage.

Okay, So Levi Johnston’s Not Showing Us His Piece After All

November 21, 2009 § Leave a comment

It looks like our plans to see some fresh Alaskan wang have been thwarted. Porn star wannabe Levi Johnston is gonna be in Playgirl, but he’s not gonna show us his junk.

So lame. How much you wanna bet Sarah Palin threatened to shoot him if he did??? MAYJAH DRAMA.

Or maybe he’s not, uh,”gifted” in the genitals department if you catch my drift.

Get Rid of the Pee Hand

April 1, 2009 § Leave a comment

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I’m waiting outside this professor’s office in Ann Arbor for a meeting I have with said professor. He is late; I know this because, for the first time in history, I have arrived at a meeting on time. It was purely an accident. But his tardiness does not annoy me, because I’m jamming to “Taper Jean Girl” by Kings of Leon. I’m in skinny grey pants ($50), an extra-small white v-neck ($12), a flannel hoodie ($30) and black ankle boots (price unknown).

I decide that I ought to run to the restroom before our seance begins. I’m in the bathroom, and I’m adjusting my clothes and fixing my homohawk. Enter the professor I’m supposed to meet with. He heads, briskly, for the urinal and does his thing. Toilet flush. He walks towards the sink, fixes his hair and goes:

“I’ll see you in a minute.”

Seems normal, don’t it?

EXCEPT THE PROFESSOR DIDN’T WASH HIS HANDS.

I pop out of the bathroom and re-arrive at his office. He extends his hand for me to shake. And I, reluctant to shake his pee-hand, fumble around with my things so I don’t have to touch it.

GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME!

There is something about men and a lack of bathroom decorum (slash, um, hygiene?) that really confuses me. I couldn’t help but wonder: What makes bad bathroom behavior?

Have you ever noticed that the ladies’ room often comes with that glorious extra part that’s located before the actual bathroom? I’ve never been in it, but you know what I’m talking about. In my hyperactive imagination, it comes with a mirror, rose petals, bursts of perfume, chirping birds, hors d’oeuvres and gratuitous classical music.

The men’s room, on the other hand, is like “pee and get the fuck out.”

One the thing that occurs in men’s rooms all over the world that blows my mind every time is this: guy approaches urinal. Guy does his business, flushes toilet, turns away from urinal, walks to sink. Guy’s penis is still out, in plain view to all.

REALLY? Are you telling me you don’t have two more seconds to just wrap it up? Hmm? Are you so busy that you can’t just fully tuck it back in during your stay at the urinal?

Do you want to know another bad bathroom behavior that gets on my nerves? Mmmkay, so one time I’m in the bathroom at Bass and there’s this guy who is fuckin’ on the phone while he’s on the toilet. He’s just in there, hanging out. Multi-tasking. At least he could have turned on the faucet. I don’t know about you, but I don’t fancy being on the other end while the person I’m talking to is on the toilet.

I’d be like, “Look, you can call my ass back later when you done.”

Public bathrooms are the nightmare of my life, and I aim to avoid them where possible. The two years I lived in a dorm were the worst-est years ever. Ugh, I fuckin’ hated wearing those ass-awful shower shoes, and I equally hated showering where other repressed teenage boys beat their meatsticks. Me myself personally, I didn’t have any hot dorm-shower sex, but meatstick beating/sexualizing was so rampant that our floor would get messages from the R.A. warning us not to “do it” in the shower.

Imagine my pissed-off-ness when, in my senior year, my shared bathroom nightmare exploded. That year, I opted to live in this house FULL of obnoxiously straight guys. You know the kind: beer-pong-playing, football-obsessed, let’s-have-a-belching-contest-and-then-go-get-drunk-and-secure-some-girls type. Do not ask me why I lived there. Call it Sean Cody’s wet dream. I guess they needed a resident queer to tidy up and deliver funny quips at the drop of a bar of soap.

But the bathroom? OMFG!!!!! A HOT TRANNY MESS!

That bathroom was so ridiculous, you guys. Newspaper on the floor. “Babe” magazines next to the john. Pee-toilet. My favorite part was the towel that, because it had been there so long, was equally part of the floor AND the bathtub. But as the resident queer, I would put on one of those white outfits that bee-catchers wear and chisel away at the funk. With a blowtorch.

Bathrooms are private spaces. They should be clean, and so should you. Nobody wants to see what other people do or have done in the bathroom. Each morning, we go into it, ugly as all get-out, armed with funky breath, disheveled hair and then … POOF! Many of us re-emerge as presentable beings. It’s like that transformation chamber Steve Urkel had on Family Matters.

But even if you can’t transform, even if you MUST be on the phone while you use it … the least you can do is wash your hands! Beware of the pee-hand! Beware of the pee-hand!

Madison Moore is watching you.

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