The 13 Most Fabulous Things About Lady Gaga’s “Telephone” Video

March 12, 2010 § 5 Comments

Okay, so you already know by now that Lady Gaga finally dropped the video for “Telephone,” easily The Greatest Music Video of All Time. In a fabulous “pop event,” the video premiered at 11:30pm on E! news – you know, once all the kiddies were asleep and safely tucked away from the poison and lesbianism that Gaga would obviously fabulize. “Telephone” is a super ambitious video, and it’s really, really perfect. It feels like it wants to go down in history – and it will! But am I the only one who thinks that “Telephone” totally talks back to all of Michael Jackson’s epic videos like “Remember the Time,” “Bad” and “Thriller” – all of which were highly anticipated mini movies, too? Also…when Gaga escapes the prison, she does a Michael Jackson dance move on her way out.

Take my word for it – “Telephone” is amahzing. It is a pop cultural landmark not only in it’s epicness as an event, or how it’s reverberated around the world and collects column inches by the second, but also in how the video is packed with references to easily recognizable pop cultural symbols. Aymar Jean wrote a fascinating piece about the insane branding in “Telephone” and how it solidifies Gaga as “our camp consumerist icon.”

You know what else solidifies her as a camp icon? The many fabulous things I found in the video, and I uncover 13 of them below! Read on to find out more!

1) The Opening Look

Now this is how you go to prison in style, girlfrrraan! Look at the way Gaga saunters, all high fashion like! Attitude. Hair. Face. Sunglasses. Shoulders. Patent Leather. Side boob. WORRRRK!!! If you look closely, every time she walks around in the video she’s moving at a glacial pace, to make sure you appreciate all of her high fashion glamour, darlings. Designer Jean Charles de Castelbajac. Sunglasses by Mercura.

2) “Say goodbye to fashion”

One of the bitches in the prison cat calls Gaga, “Say goodbye to fashion!” – fabulous! – and then the guards throw Her Gaganess into the cell and strip her of her couture, which leads us to the next part…

3) “I told you she didn’t have a dick”

This is the part where the now ass-nekid Gaga flaunts her kaslopis at the camera, you know, to delicately clear up those rumors that she has a dick. Which she does, obviously, and this video proves it.

4) Lady Gaga Is A Bad Ass

See those sunglasses Gaga is wearing? Yeah, they’re made of lit cigarettes. Just…wow. Also, the couture chains? Loves it. Chain jumpsuit by Viktor and Rolf. Sunglasses and shoes by Haus of Gaga.

5) The Lesbian Makeout

The video is very women – or wymyn??? – friendly. Lesbians abound, and this is the part where Gaga eats out the face of the Head Prison Lesbian!! By the way, the HPL isn’t just any old lesbian – it’s Heather Cassilis, an L.A. based performance artist and personal trainer. Oooohh!! Gaga is dead serious about the Performance Art-y, Gender Queer thing.

6) Beer Cans in the Hair

Alright, a certain latin indie singer called Maluca has already done the beer cans in the hair thing, but The Lady still looks completely fierced-out.The spikey, studded jacket, the Chanel sunglasses, I mean…it’s totally biker chick Don’t Fuck With me chic. Studded jacket by Search and Destroy.

But also!!! GUESS WHAT?!?!?!?! See the girl standing there looking at Gaga with the brown hair? IT’S LADY GAGA AS HER NATURAL SELF! Surprise!

7) Jail Dance Sequence

Lady Gaga is not a dancer, but there is something so charming and exciting about this jail dance sequence that I am totally in love with. I wonder if people bust out in dance –  in they draws – at every prison???? Studded outfits by Haus of Gaga.

8 ) The Crime Tape Outfit

Do NOT fuck with Lady Gaga. Do you think this outfit translates to the streets?

9) Plenty of Fish Dating Website

As if the lesbian kiss and massive amounts of T+A weren’t enough, here’s even more lesbianage for you! The guard is cruising for tail at Plenty of Fish.Com. HIGH – larious, ya’ll!

10) Lady Gaga IS Couture

When Gaga finally does get released from prison, she’s wearing a massive hat and a look that’s cinched at the waist – an OBVIOUS reference to Christian Dior’s New Look and high fashion. Sooo John Galliano, but made by Thierry Mugler.

Look at the way she’s posing in that screen shot! She is totally doing The Couture Pose, solidifying her place as a fashion icon. Like I said earlier, every time she walks around, like in this scene where she’s walking out to the car where Beyoncé comes to the rescue, she moves at a glamorously slow pace. She wants you to see how fabulous she is.

11) Wax Paper Dress

The only color in the room is Gaga’s super teal couture telephone hat, the pee-yellow hair and the pink lips! Also, a wax paper dress!!! How appropriate for a kitchen! Telephone hat by Fred Butler. Dress by Rachel Barrett.

12) Beyoncé’s Outfit

Work those legs, Sasha Fierce! The shoes and jacket are on p-o-i-n-t! Beyoncé looks really good in here. I think these are a pair of hot pants that even Pam Grier would be mad at! Jacket and shoes by Jean Charles de Castelbajac. Shorts by Franc Fernandez and Oscar Olima.

13) Beyoncé During the Dance Sequence

Last but not least, it’s so great to see that Beyoncé isn’t just in the video – she plays a really major part. But when Gaga was in Beyoncé’s “Video Phone,” she felt more like a background dancer than anything else. Two of the worlds hottest divas just fuckin’ everythang up! Now that I’ve seen the video, I can’t imagine it without Beyoncé. And her outfit and bootay shorts are on poiiiiiint! Who knew that Bey could get so damn crazy and pissed off! Look at how the way she flinches shows you how pissed off she is. Well, at least that’s one role she plays well!

Okay, that’s a wrap. Above all else, “Telephone” is a video about fashion, fashion as pop art, as performance art, as subversive art. We see a range of looks in the video – from the standard bra and bikini that we’ve seen in nearly every female pop music video to the super high fashion of Thierry Mugler. And it’s all fabulous.

Now sing it!!! STOP CALLIN’, STOP CALLIN’ I DON’T WANNA THINK ANYMORE, I LEFT MY HEAD AND MY HEART ON THE DANCE FLOOR.

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